Young adult fiction book: written from a teen boy's perspective about school, sex and Shakespeare

Question

I would really appreciate some help over here. Even though it sounds immature, I loved it when I was a sophomore.

Here's everything I can give you to help me: I read this book in 2016. It was medium sized. I read this at a public library in the English language in the USA. The cover was blue.

1. Title: The protagonist has an alternate name which he uses to refer to himself. I am fairly certain it has Tom in it but don't take it to be 100% accurate. It's written in autobiography type format so the title may reflect that.

2. Genre: young adult fiction. Romance? Written in John Green style.

3. The book is set in the United Kingdom. It's about a 16 or 15 year old boy struggling with puberty. The book opens with his struggle with hiding his erection on the bus (it gets talked about a lot ). It's written in the form of a school English project to write an autobiography. Protagonist is a white male, generic looking.

4. The boy is a middle guy between the preps and the emos. He likes to hang out with the emos because they chill af. There is an almost war but the protagonist averts it.

5. He is hopelessly infatuated with a girl whose name starts with E(maybe). She has long wavy brown hair and only moved here recently.

6. The boy is into English. His English teacher is young and attractive. POSSIBLY NAMED DAVID . He teaches Romeo and Juliet in class and begins with an anecdote about how the first few lines describe the rest of the play perfectly.

7. Their drama teacher is an old lesbian. They do mime in class but he blurts out an sentence anyways. The mime is about disabled people.

8. He used to be friends with 2 other boys but they are "skaters" now and they are not friends anymore.

9. His new best friend may be named "Martin". They use the sunglass trick (using sunglass to stare at someone's breasts without them noticing) on their math teacher who is tired and depressed.

10. He has a female friend named EMILY WHO HAS RED HAIR.

11. In geography class his inhaler makes him look like he has a massive nob while he is reading.

12. He has TWO chapters dedicated to names for penises and vaginas.

13. His hot English teacher likes to masturbate before class and he is told this by Emily but due to a miscommunication he thinks it's another boy called Zack/Zach who does it.

14. He falls into a bush after sneaking into his English teacher's room and gets his ass pierced with a branch. Martin and him remove it in the boys room but they are caught by a 12-13 year old "skater" who they threaten.

15. For the finale, he finds out that the English teacher is having an affair (pedophilic) with his love interest. The teacher knees him in the stomach and the balls but Emily manages to take some pictures of it. He is also confronted by Zach with a football here who reveals that he is gay.

16. The story ends with him revealing that he is sending his manuscript to the police with Emily massaging his balls(sorry if it seems pornographic but that's the literal ending line and I thought it might help)

Other details:

1. Protagonist insecure about sexuality
2. Parents probably divorced. Never mentioned. Loves his mum very very much.
3. Takes long for him to reach school.
4. Lots of British slang such as Nob etc.
5. English teacher once acts as a substitute.

Please help me! The book was very funny and I would like to discover it again. I got it from a library but it's closed now. I don't know how to find it again.

Answer 1

One Seriously Messed-Up Week in the Otherwise Mundane and Uneventful Life of Jack Samsonite by Tom Clempson

Our hero? Jack Samsonite His mission? 1) pass his GCSEs 2) get the girl (to notice he exists) 3) survive the week without a serious face punching Good thing he’s got a plan. Well, half a plan…

In the last seven days, Sam, aka Jack Samsonite, has fallen for a girl, is plagued by raging teenage lusts and very nearly gets killed by an extremely unlikely cause.

Very funny, and pretty rude, Jack tells it like it is. Whether it's skipping from school to hang with the mental freaks or stealing confiscated goods from his teacher, you'll be rooting for him all the way.

The English teacher is Dave Kross:

Once again I am sat in my English classroom waiting for Dave Kross to arrive. Although this is the English classroom, and Dave is our English teacher, I'm not actually in my English lesson – this time it's English Literature.

https://books.google.com/books?id=z7WQuOea1XEC

A review on goodreads mentions red headed Em, Jack seeing Eleanor and Dave Kross at McDonalds, the latter giving Jack a beating and Em cupping his balls at the end.